Getting What You Want

Christine Kniffen

By Christine Kniffen, MSW, LCSW, Therapist & Relationship Coach

Isn’t the thought of getting what you want exciting? Isn’t the idea of a healthy, loving and respectful relationship appealing to all? Who wouldn’t agree with that notion? Almost everyone would agree with that, but many people have lost their faith in this ever truly happening to them. Therein lies a great deal of the problem. We are getting in our own way as usual. Several things have to take place before we will be ready to receive all of the goodness and healing that accompanies a wonderful relationship. We must be strong enough to insist on more, we must be able to see a clear vision of this for ourselves and we must be brave enough to handle it when it finally shows up.

The first step in getting what you want in a relationship always begins with refusing to settle by insisting on more. We have all felt lonely at times and allowed people into our lives that cannot help us achieve our vision of a fantastic relationship. There are two levels to this idea. Naturally, we have to walk away from someone who is hurtful, disrespectful or unhealthy for us. But, more importantly, we need to reach a point where we become true to ourselves and say no to anyone that cannot meet our needs. This can be very difficult. Walking away from someone who treats us poorly can be easy. However, walking away from someone simply because they cannot meet our needs can be one of the hardest things that we have ever done. This is purely about alignment. We all need to be in alignment with our visions and our behaviors. This is what I like to refer to as integrity. We must have integrity between what we truly want and what we are actually doing to try to get there. Insisting on more allows all of us the opportunity to visualize, dream and create the very type of relationship that we have always desired.

There has been much talk of a movie called “The Secret”. I was flipping through the television the other day and even “Ellen” was talking about it and giving away the movie to her audience. Without belaboring the idea, it deals with visualizing the life you want and getting out of your own way with the negative thoughts you tell yourself, as the universe is abundant and you attract that which you think.

This of course is a very generic, over-simplified definition of the Law of Attraction on which “The Secret” is based. The visualizing of your life is nothing new. Tony Robbins, the infamous motivational speaker, first introduced many of us to the concept and there are numerous books, etc that deal with this topic. If you don’t have a clear picture of how you want your relationship to look, then you won’t have the awareness to recognize that passing person who just may be able to give it to you. However, once you do learn to recognize the type of person who can meet your needs, you then have to fight through many predictable fears and be brave enough to go for it. When we do connect with a person who is capable of meeting our needs it can be quite scary and unsettling at times. That fear works itself out in one of two ways. We mentally head back to past relationship hurts, convinced that they could happen again or we start to project irrational nonsense about future catastrophes in our relationship. Both of these paths are simply outlets for the fear and unease. Many people have been through a lot of hurt and pain in the relationship realm. Talking about the fears with your partner, in a completely nonjudgmental way, allows that negative energy to dissipate and prevents the typical acting out behavior that accompanies these fears and is so detrimental to the relationship. So, now that you are armed with new information, why don’t you make some changes so you can start getting what you want in this all important area of life. Whether you are in a relationship currently or still searching, start insisting on more on your journey to your dreams. Spend some time thinking about and visualizing the type of relationship you truly desire in terms of communication, affection, respect, fun and playfulness. Finally, accept that fear is a perfectly normal emotion. It is only a problem if it is not acknowledged, is allowed to build up and is acted upon in a negative fashion. If you do this, then you will finally be able to see that person who can help you get what you want.

Christine Kniffen, LCSW is a Therapist and Relationship Coach. For a free consultation call 314-374-8396.