Coalition Report

By Heather B. Navarro
Executive Director
Coalition For The Environment

A True Believer In Climate Change

UNAVUT, CANADA – Work just finished on the first LEED certified structure in the North Pole and not a day too early. Business as usual in the North Pole was interrupted early this morning when the northwest corner of Santa’s workshop sunk 6 feet below the building’s foundation. Eighteen elves were pulled to safety. There were no reports of major injuries. Ingfred, Santa’s public relations manager, reported that few toys could be salvaged from the devastation before a fresh layer of snow covered the scene and estimated financial losses at $240,000. “These costs are just the tip of the iceberg,” said Ingfred.

The chief engineer, Roscoe, reported the cause of the slumping event as melting permafrost. “Climate change is impacting our operation quicker than anticipated,” he said. Santa’s underground systems, including water and septic lines are also at risk. In addition to the sinking and slumping, researchers at Woods Hole Research Center report that thawing permafrost releases carbon dioxide and methane into the air, exacerbating the warming that causes the permafrost thaw in the first place.

Fortunately, elves completed work on a renovated workshop earlier this week with a LEED Platinum certification. The new workshop has energy efficient windows, meaning no more iconic, frosty window panes, but also a draft-free workplace. The wood-burning fireplaces have been replaced with a radiant floor heating system powered by the new solar array behind the reindeer shed. State of the art solar panel heaters will melt accumulating snow.

C.H.E.E.R., or Coalition of Happy, Energetic Elves and Reindeer, report a 9% increase in employment at the North Pole this year due to energy improvements. “Our workers have been spared from countless hours wearing silly shoes in overcrowded malls this season by finding work retrofitting the North Pole. We have created jobs in manufacturing, construction, and efficiency,” according to a statement from C.H.E.E.R.

Reduced air emissions are predicted to decrease respiratory illnesses, strokes, and heart disease. Life expectancy of elves is expected to increase from 9,720 years to 10,420.

In related news, Santa has updated the naughty and nice list. In addition to pulling your sister’s hair and insider trading, Santa has added using incandescent bulbs, fracking, and driving a gas guzzler to the naughty list, all of which, Santa says, threaten his North Pole operation. Whether the guilty receive a hard lump of coal or something more sustainable remains to be seen.

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